Rants & Raves

So This Is How It Is Now …


I decided to write about this because I find it a huge problem, and simply put, the hypocrisy is absolutely absurd.

Now most of my family & friends know that I am a Professional Artist.
This means not only do I draw and create wonderful works of artwork & crafts, I’ve actually sold my work. I’ve received money for my services.

A lot of people don’t really know what professional means – When it comes to a job, it means:

2. (of a person) engaged in a specified activity as one’s main paid occupation rather than as a pastime.

So, technically anyone who does a service and gets paid for it – Is considered a Professional. 

Now, where this is going is along the topic of Tattoo Artists. If we can really call a large majority of them artists that is. Trust me, I’m not hating on their abilities, but let’s be real for a moment here – For those who have never been in or to a Tattoo Shop and watched the process of a tattoo, I’ll break it down for you a little.

When you go to get a tattoo, obviously you’ve either made an appointment or they’ve accepted you as a ‘walk-in’. They’ll take whatever design you’ve chosen to have permanently etched onto your body to the back of the shop (or wherever they keep their drawing/copier stuff) and proceed to create a stencil.

Transfer Paper

Transfer Paper

Now, what a stencil is, is a copy of an image or a way to make a copy of an image. The way it works in the tattoo business is, they take as I call it tattoo transfer paper (for more information and a ‘How To‘, feel free to click here) and they take your desired image and place it on the top of the transfer paper, they then start to trace the image (sometimes they’ll edit the image on the computer, depending on how big/small you want it and which direction you want it facing).

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who does actually draw their work, but let’s face it, that’s not very common unless you want something personal from that artist. They do simplify most designs, so they are more easy to tattoo.

Now, I’m not going to go through the whole process of what goes on after, as the point I’m currently driving at stops at that – The stencil.

I just have a hard time wrapping my head around how, someone who traces mostly other peoples’ artwork is known as an Artist?

I refer to those who apply tattoos as Tattooists. Because that’s what they are. Just like those who draw cartoons, are known as Cartoonists. I don’t expect a whole lot of people to start doing this, but I feel it’s the more appropriate job title for them. Now, I know this isn’t going to gain me any popularity with a lot of Tattooists, but let’s face it, if you can’t draw something on a piece of paper, out of your own imagination, you are not an Artist.

An Artist is defined as:

An artist is a person engaged in one or more of any of a broad spectrum of activities related to creating art, practicing the arts, and/or demonstrating an art. The common usage in both everyday speech and academic discourse is a practitioner in the visual arts only.


If you were to Wikipedia the word, you’ll find this little list:

Wiktionary defines the noun ‘artist’ (Singular: artist; Plural: artists) as follows:

  1. A person who creates art.
  2. A person who makes and creates art as an occupation.
  3. A person who is skilled at some activity.
  4. A person whose trade or profession requires a knowledge of design, drawing, painting, etc.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the older broad meanings of the term “artist”:

  • A learned person or Master of Arts
  • One who pursues a practical science, traditionally medicine, astrology, alchemy, chemistry
  • A follower of a pursuit in which skill comes by study or practice
  • A follower of a manual art, such as a mechanic
  • One who makes their craft a fine art
  • One who cultivates one of the fine arts – traditionally the arts presided over by the muses.

So … Where in this list does it say “A person who copies art“? It doesn’t.
Throughout history, those that would trace or copy another’s work, was known simply as a copycat or better yet, plagiarizer. However today, in the world of tattooists, it seems copying or plagiarizing is an acceptable thing – the only time this illegal act is ignored is when it comes to putting tattoos on people.

It’s sorta taboo how tattoos work.

Most Tattooists might argue with me on this, which fine – Knock yourselves out! However, here’s a bit of food for thought …

Client comes in for a tattoo of someone else’s art work. Tattooist applies this other persons work of art on the client. Tattooist gets paid for applying other persons art work on client. Client now goes off into the world … Client gets asked by friends, family & strangers “Who did that wonderful tattoo?” and Client gives name of Tattooist.
Most of the time the Tattooist will get the credit, a lot of the time, the person with the tattoo won’t mention that the piece of art that’s now on their body, is actually some other artists work – Not to mention, it’s the design itself that people are intrigued about.

So the original artist gets zero, nada, nil credit for their work. More importantly, they are not asked permission for use of their work for a tattoo – Reason being … Artists would like to be PAID for their work, even if it’s simply going to be a tattoo. People don’t want to pay for an image, to them it’s like paying twice for something. Granted, they don’t take into account that once they do pay the artist for their art work, they now own that image – It’s theirs, forever, legitimately.

There are actual Tattoo Artists out there … Just very hard to find, probably 1 out of 10 are actual artists. But the majority simply take a picture and make a stencil copy and ta-da! Slap it on you and start inking that bad ass bitch right on ya!

So, enough about that, as I can spend all day arguing Tattooist vs. Tattoo Artist.


Lets talk about “Scratchers” vs. Tattooists.

My real and biggest issue at hand is, how Tattooists hate on other aspiring Tattooists. you-get-what-you-pay-for

I’ve recently become very interested in wanting to become a Tattoo Artist. Wanting to become this didn’t happen over night, I’ve been told for many, many years that I should look into becoming one. I’ve contemplated it for a majority of my life (I’m 31 years old).
I never really got into it because I didn’t know how. I mean, I did, but yet, I didn’t.

For my 20th Birthday I decided to get my first tattoo, giant faerie wings on my upper back. Since then, I’ve been 100% addicted to getting ink done. I love getting and having tattoos!

4946_90985668654_307212_nNow I know most aren’t reading this because they want a history of my tattoos and I promise this isn’t about that. It’s about the fact that when I decided to get into tattooing, I’ve experienced nothing but grief.

I do have friends that tattoo – I even grew up with one of them. My father was a Tattoo Artist – A very talented one in fact. Problem with this is, you will run into some people with that ‘Holier than thou‘ mentality.

Today you need to have a Tattoo License in order to legally tattoo a person. Now, I live in the frigid state of Minnesota – In Minnesota in order to obtain a Tattoo License you must:

  • be 18 years of age or older;
  • complete the required amount of supervised experience as a temporary technician;
  • supply a complete log of supervised hours;
  • supply a signed letter of affirmation from supervisor stating they supervised you during your temporary license period;
  • supply a copy of a current, legal ID showing proof of age;
  • supply a copy of a current course certification (taken in the last year) in bloodborne pathogens, prevention of disease transmission, infection control, and aseptic technique;
  • if you have ever had a license, certification, or registration in another jurisdiction, have that jurisdiction mail directly to the Minnesota Department of Health a completed Body Art Licensing Verification of Credential Form;
  • complete the Body Art Technician License Application; and
  • pay the fee of $100 payable to “Treasurer, State of Minnesota.”

So that 3rd line “supply a complete log of supervised hours” is where I am having the biggest issue.
These supervised hours they mention are 200 hours!!!

So, you might be saying to yourself “That’s not that bad, 200 hours would be quick!” … And it would be if I had someone to supervise me.
It’s practically impossible to find a Tattooist or even a Tattoo Artist in Minnesota willing to take on an Apprentice and if I do find one, most of the time, they want a lot of money – We’re talking thousands of dollars.

As an Apprentice, at least in the world of tattooing – It’s a shit job! You are basically their slave, which mind you, you don’t get paid! Your “pay” is knowledge.

They’ll have you clean the shop up, clean literally everything, you’ll play ‘receptionist’ for them aka answer phone calls, book appointments, etc. You will also more than likely run errands for them as well – All the while, probably treat you like utter shit while you’re doing all this.

I should mention also, that all of that above mentioned stuff, does NOT count towards your 200 hours of supervised time.

The only thing that counts is: 150 of the 200 hours supervised, must be skin time.

This means, actual tattooing on a real human. (As opposed to a fake human lol)
Sure, 50 hours of it can be learning how to set up, keep a sterile environment, tattoo on rubber skin, etc.

Talking with my friend who used to tattoo that I grew up with, his Apprenticeship took 2 years!  Two fucking YEARS!!!

I only need 200 hours … Not TWO YEARS!!! This gives me the impression that instead of the Tattooist Trainer sitting down and actually doing a lot of one on one time with me, they’ll drag this shit on and on and on … Get free work for 2 years.

How is this even legal?!?! It shouldn’t be! Somewhere, I am sure, under some Department of Labor Laws there is a law, that makes this illegal. Of course, screaming this at a Tattooist is a surefire way of not getting an Apprenticeship.

Not to mention, I work.
I work a full-time job and have a family, a big family.

My current job is not an easy one by no means, I am a Polish Operator at Cambria. Not only am I a Polish Operator, but I also do a lot of other side jobs that’s not listed under what a Polish Operator does. Due to confidentiality reasons, I can’t disclose much of my job or the details, but simply put, I do a lot of manual labor.

My schedule is most people’s nightmare! I work a 2-2-3 schedule and each shift is 12 hours long, which means:

Work Schedule Example


So as you can clearly see, my work schedule doesn’t leave much room to run off to a Tattoo Shop all day.
I also have family, who need to spend time with me as well, I’m married and my husband David and I have a wonderful, beautiful little girl together named Rogue, who we’ve nicknamed “Bibbles“. Also, a year ago my 2 older teen daughters Laura & Sage came to live with me due to it not working out at their fathers (I do have a son, but he remained with his father). So it’s pretty much a full house here and everyone is constantly fighting for my time.b901130cab7bd2e94f2c85b12f1a1737

I’ve already made up my mind to try and dedicate at least 1 day off out of the bits of days off I get, to being able to go into a Tattoo Shop to learn. So basically 2 times a week I’d be able to learn tattooing.
This doesn’t leave much room for messing around – I don’t want to waste my days off cleaning up some assholes shop because they’re lazy fucks. I know how to clean, I know how to maintain cleanliness – So I’d much rather spend the time at the shop learning sterilization process, setting up/prep, tuning my machine, inks & tricks, and of course how to tattoo properly!

However it’d most likely not work out that simple.
Which is unfortunate as I know I’d most likely have to pay for my Apprenticeship – Which I’m totally prepared to do, however I will not pay them so I can clean their bullshit. They can do that crap on their own and on their own time.

This might make me sound uptight or whatever, but that’s just how it is. I’m sure there are some Tattooists reading this some where out there laughing their ass’s off – Laugh, knock yourself out with it – I don’t give a fuck.

You want my money, I want to learn – I will not be your Shop Bitch in the meantime.

So, now that we got the gritty details of how to slowly not get an Apprenticeship (lol) … Let’s talk about Learning on your own!

Which is what I am currently doing.

First off, I don’t care how wrong it is – So don’t message me or try and contact me to bitch, it’ll fall on deaf ears. Unless YOU are offering me an Apprenticeship, shut the fuck up.

Now you have two sorta Tattooists, at least that’s how I’ve grouped them (there are others, but not important). You have the Tattooists who really don’t care what other people are doing, as long as it’s not hurting anyone or putting anyone at risk.

Then you have the other group …

This group is the type of Tattooists that are quick to scream “SCRATCHER!!!“, a scratcher is someone who does at-home tattoos with either a self-made tattoo machine, a kit or even ‘professional’ grade machine – The point is, if you aren’t tattooing in a shop, you are known as a Scratcher.

It’s a shitty title for someone and I think it needs to go the fuck away, along with most Tattooists attitudes.

First off, a Tattoo license does not make you better than for instance me. It just means, you got really fucking lucky and found yourself someone to supervise your dumbass for 200 hours. Congratu-fucking-lations!

I think it’s horrible that Tattooists will stand there and criticize someone eager to learn the trade, but in the same breath, deny offering them an apprenticeship!

You can’t do both! But they always do!

They don’t even so much as offer a way in, no guidance, nothing. Just criticism – They don’t offer to drop your name with other Tattooists, in case someone else might be interested in picking up an Apprentice. They don’t even point you in the right direction.

They rather just stonewall you. Cock-Block you from the world of tattooing.5610632117_polls_no_tattoos_4344_172155gif_answer_1_xlarge_answer_1_xlarge_thumb

I’ve been practicing on myself, reason being is the fake skin you can order is a bloody joke! It’s rubber … and it does alright if you’re just immediately starting up, but after you start to get the hang of it, they lose what little they offer.

For starters, they don’t compare at all to real skin, when you go to wipe away any extra ink on them, it stains the living hell out of the rubber! Very, very annoying!
Trying to learn shading or color fill on these rubber mats (because that’s what they really are) is impossible, not just hard … It’s really impossible.

I wish I were just kidding – But I’m not.-font-b-Fake-b-font-font-b-Tattoo-b-font-Practice-font-b-Skins-b

I’m not going to go buy a ton of fruit to practice on, because I am on a budget, not about to waste food by contaminating my food with ink so that it’s uneatable.

So in the grand scheme of things, I resorted to tattooing myself.


I have no problems sporting shit tattoo’s I did to myself. Eventually I’ll get better – and when I do, I can fix my own fucking work.

Recently I was told to stop tattooing myself – Because I am learning bad habits that’ll later be a pain for a mentor to have me stop doing.



This is just silly. I actually started laughing at this.

Think about it … I’m ‘learning’ bad habits … I’m not learning anything! I’m still with the same knowledge that I had going into it.

How it’ll more than likely play out is, each Tattooists do things a bit differently than one another – What one Tattooist finds wrong, another swears by it!

Honestly, I do a lot of reading and research. I’m not a fucking idiot. I will do what works best for me, I believe in at least giving things a shot, if it don’t work – Then on to what will.

They didn’t always require a Tattoo License to tattoo. This has only been a recent thing. I honestly think what happened is a bunch of tattooists got together and wanted to eliminate the competition so bitched to the right people.

I know that’s not how it really went down – Maybe close though lol.

My guess is, health was a major factor, possibly even mortality.

Tattooing is a dying art – Congratulations Tattooists and Tattoo Artists, you’re to blame!
You’re successfully killing your own profession.

Too worried about competition and others stealing trade secrets – When you should be embracing those who want to learn, instead of pushing them away.
You aren’t special because you tattoo, you are not certainly ‘famous‘ because you do it – Sure, there are people who get the “wow” factor when they mention what they do for a living, but in all truth, when I talk about my full-time job, people are fucking amazed!

People have to start somewhere – and I’d like to go into this knowing some stuff rather than nothing. If I’m learning the wrong stuff, that’s on me. I’m not trying to integrate everything I do into my brain, only try to understand it. If you set something up enough times, it becomes 2nd nature to them – I practice each chance I can taking apart my machine and reassembling it.

Ishutterstock_251298049 actually thought about becoming a grade school Art Teacher for a bit – The idea of teaching tiny humans art really appealed to me, I still love the idea of it. I however, would never think to tell a child to stop reaching for the stars, stop drawing, stop doing anything art related, because they might be learning it the wrong way.
Even then, I am the type of person who would show them how and/or point them in the direction they need to go to aspire to be more.

That does not happen in the world of tattooing.

There are many, many, many self-taught Tattooist and Tattoo Artists.

It’s not something a lot of Tattooists want known … Holy shit! Most if not all of your idols taught themselves!

When you get into tattooing, you need to understand that you are making a commitment, not just to yourself, but to those eager to want to learn as well. Always turning them away, or ripping them off through money is not the way. I know this much, if I ever end up doing tattoos professionally (as I don’t plan on making this a career) I will be more than willing to teach – Fuck, I’ll look into trying to open a damn school for tattooing!

I only want to learn it, so that I can say “I know how to do that!” and maybe, just maybe have it as a backup career choice in case something happens with my current.

For now, I have one of the two friends who tattoo to rely on, thankfully they are more than willing to show me some stuff – He’s even a full time student right now, has a lot on his plate and is willing to meet with me.

The other … well I’ll probably not know them shortly.
Which is rather sad, because I do have a tattoo by him – It’s actually one of my favorite tattoos, but I want to pursue this, and I will not stop tattooing myself in pursuit of learning. It’s my body, my skin, my choice.

If I was offering to do it to others, then by all means – Yell, scream, report me all you want – However this just simply is not the case. I am only doing it to myself, ah yes, and my wonderful husband who hates pain! I recently did a small little cross on his ankle/leg, he doesn’t have any other tattoos and although he says he wants more, I don’t think it’s in his stars.

Maybe someday they will start schools for Tattooing – So it isn’t that hard to learn – I think that’s an amazing idea. It’d eliminate most of the Scratchers out there. It’d boost the job prospects for tattooing, as so many want to tattoo, but simply can’t find a single mentor.

Just wish that day was now instead of the far distant future.

In the meantime, I still have lots of room on my legs and more importantly, my entire body! I will continue to use it as my canvas for learning. My daughter Sage is highly talented in art too – It’ll be nice to maybe some day teach her how to tattoo, or maybe that day isn’t too far off.



Wonderful Husband

Yes … I’m bragging!

It’s February 10th, 2015 and Valentine’s Day is 4 days away – I always go through this phase where I want this and that, and tell my Husband David that it can be considered a Valentine’s Day gift >.<

There were a few things: An extension of my left arm tattoo (it’s all my childrens names – I wanted to get my newest child’s name added) but that’s a given – I WILL at some point this year be adding her name, and I kinda want to wait until she’s old enough to watch it get done.

I finally settled on a spur of the moment thing – Prismacolor Colored Pencils online!


I’ve been wanting a set of these pencils for years! Ever since I spotted them at Michaels Arts & Crafts Store when I was 12 years old. My Grandma Connie (may she rest in peace) told me when I was younger that she would love to get them for me, but I should wait until I am more experienced as an Artist. 100% understandable, considering they are very expensive pencils.

I’m just so very excited! I’m getting the “Prismacolor Premier Soft Core Colored Pencils, 150 Colored Pencils” … 150 pencils!!!

I just can’t WAIT to use them!!!

As an Artist self taught, natural talented … my first medium was pencils and colored pencils. So it’s very thrilling to know I can go back to my main medium and have such a wonderful piece to my art supplies collection!

I have so much stuff to work with thanks to my Husband – He honestly believes in me and knows how much I cherish things like art supplies – Honestly the best gift anyone can give me – Every year I try and tell family and friends just to give me a gift card to Michaels Arts & Crafts for either my Birthday or Christmas lol.

work-areaMy work area is nice and neat, I try and keep it as organized as I possibly can – Given my work area is located in the Living Room, I make due with what room I have, maybe in the future, we’ll own a home and after all my kids move out, I can turn a room into an Art Studio – My own little ‘hideaway’.

I have trouble with knowing there is little I can not do, I can mold cute figures with Polymer Clay, I can make beaded spiders out of seed beads and wire, make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss, water color & paint with acrylics, sketch with pencils and pens, etch in wood (pyrographics), make wonderful dream catchers, make native american beaded loom jewelry, sew … So many things!


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But these things require supplies and materials … which of course, require money 😦

I’ve started my own business, it’s called ‘Crafted DreamScapes‘, I have it on Etsy and at one point did have my own website, but it’s currently down due to wanting to manage one site at a time right now.

I make a decent amount, when I ‘do‘ sell something, however as an Artist, I’m always wanting more supplies and materials – So I know my Husband has put in more money than I have made over the years – but like I titled this, I have a WONDERFUL Husband!

I just hope I can get more of my art sold – I work very hard on it and it always makes me feel good when someone actually buys one of my pieces!
I love that someone else gets to enjoy something I created!!!

I just hope these pencils were worth the wait! Since I’ve wanted them for over 18 years lol.

I’ll have to make sure I upload a picture after I use them – Show off my ‘skillz‘ haha!


DMT and Death Anxiety

* Links are under lined in red or highlighted in red.


So some of you have kept up with my rants as far as something I suffer from – “Death Anxiety” …
I’ve been trying to gather more information on something called ‘DMT‘ or otherwise known as ‘N,N-dimethyltryptamine‘.

Some images and gif. files simulating a DMT ‘experience ‘:



Everyone contains it, humans, animals, plants … they haven’t found it in insects yet though.

Some people refer to it as the thing that creates dreams, as our brains do release just a tiny bit while we sleep which has been related to our dreams.

Taking DMT, whether injecting it or smoking it pretty much brings on a ‘lucid dream‘ I guess to call it.

Its the most powerful psychedelic drug there is on the planet – A lot of people believe that it’s a ‘gate way‘ to another dimension for us after death has occurred. Or at least something like that anyways.

I’ve had my experiences with psychedelic drugs, granted on a limited scale – and I’ll be honest, DMT would scare the living hell out of me, especially since it’s so uncontrollable – You basically take this drug, and hold on for the ride of a life time… which goes on for only moments, but while you are ‘gone‘, lasts a very, very long course.

What bothers me is, the temptation and curiosity to DMT, would it provide answers? If I got those answers, would I ‘like‘ those answers? Or is it just a spoof that we all share this drug within ourselves?

I think I’m going to probably always be fascinated by DMT, I have been since I first heard about it while reading up on NDE aka Near Death Experiences – As when the body dies, our brain pretty much dumps it’s storage of DMT – So when we die, we go on one hell of a trip … Is that to make the experience of death easier on us? Is it the brains last ditch effort for survival? Is it ‘really‘ what takes us from this plane of existence to another dimension plane?

downloadI’ve only ever seen 2 movies that really mention DMT, one is called “DMT: The Spirit Molecule” which is more or less a documentary based on the works of a psychologist who worked with the drug back in the early 90’s and based on his book, they made the documentary – and I do plan on getting his book as a lot of people recommend it over the film.






The 2nd movie, which is more a IF (Independent Film), albeit an interesting one … Is called “Enter the Void“, which had been on my list of ‘must see‘ movies for awhile, once I saw it, I wasn’t honestly that impressed, then again I never finished it – Fell asleep lol. Guy takes DMT, goes for a walk from what I recall to do a drug deal at a night club in Japan … Place gets raided, he gets killed – So begins this ‘trip‘, now I’m guessing from when he first took the drug at home to when he got to the club, the DMT he administered himself wore off – Once he was killed, his brain released its ‘own‘ DMT … and of course the rest of the movie is him ‘floating’ around, basically the camera panning around as if it was him and we are seeing through his eyes.

If any thing that movie made me even more worried and scared of death. Which really pisses me off that I fear death – obviously I am VERY attached to the physical, materialistic world. Mainly because I have so much to live for, Dave my husband and ALL of my beautiful children – I don’t ever want to let them go. Here is the ironic part of it all – I’m suicidal … I’ve attempted suicide more times than I can remember, and now suddenly, I absolutely FEAR death.

Not sure what really brought it out either as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve kinda always feared it, mainly when it came to the topic of religion, Heaven and Hell. When I was first introduced to ‘religion‘, mainly it’s ‘rules‘ to be honest, I was about 13 – I was locked up in a shelter for troubled youths and we had these religious people who’d come and visit now and then – I asked them how does one ‘get into Heaven‘ … Simple, you have faith and accept Jesus Christ as you savior … Simple my ass!

First off, ‘faith‘ has always annoyed me – I’m one of those who strives for ‘proof‘, I WANT to have this ‘faith‘, but I’m struggling with the concept of having faith aka imaginary belief in what is another imaginary belief! Or so it basically seems imaginary, I mean, there is no proof … So here I am, making myself have faith, why? Because I’m not sure if I really do have faith or not – So I sum it up as ‘making myself have it‘ … if that makes ANY sense… So then to the next problem … Jesus Christ, you just ‘accept‘ him into you ‘heart‘ and POOF magically you have a free ticket into Heaven … Believe it or not, I actually said those very words to these religious people who came to that shelter … Granted, they say it’s ‘more‘ than that – but how?

Cut and dry, that’s basically it. I feel horrible for thinking it, even worse for sharing it, but that IS what it is. I was raised Catholic, so I’m not sitting here trying to disprove religion or make others raise a stink about my words, I just think it’s a bit off – Have faith, and accept a person and that’s how you have ever lasting life after life?! (lol)

I want to take all religion and try to mix a bit of science into it – Cliche, and not to mention a big no no … As the two don’t go together, typically. You either believe in God and his creating everything or you believe in the Big Bang Theory and the events that followed. You can’t have both – or so it would seem.


I believe that the universe did start by the ‘Big Bang‘, but I also believe that life was brought on by some sorta ‘divine‘ intervention – My husband helped me with this as it seems the most logical, to me any ways. Not sure what that’s even called >.>


I don’t want to ‘believe‘ in something if it may not be true – Have ‘faith‘ in something if its really not there in the end … I don’t want to spend the rest of my entire life wasting my faith in something that might not be REAL. I hate that we can not remember before a certain moment in our life – We can’t remember life before, well ‘life‘. We don’t remember being carried in the womb by our mothers, we don’t remember before the womb – We don’t recall infancy …

Twins in the Womb {3014}

The drug DMT I feel holds ‘some‘ of the answers – Not all, I want to indulge more on it because it’s a start. I want to see if I can find some information on people take DMT and have MRI’s or CAT scans. If they really are having ‘out of this world‘ trips, where and what is their brain DOING?!

Funny, I worry about wasting my time believing in faith and God – But have no problems spending the rest of my life seeking answers through DMT and it’s effects. Go figure a drug.

I find it very curious that all plants and animals have it, as do we humans – What connection is there? No one’s figured out why there is this chemical, that is shared – We’ve all evolved with it, it’s followed us from the very beginning of it all. I’m also kinda curious as to why insects don’t have DMT. Maybe it’s due to their size – I’ve often wondered if insects themselves have souls, it would kinda be weird if they did, just imagine how crowded Heaven would be? Given we kill insects on a daily basis … and there are a lot of insects that die each day. I also can’t understand why they would not have souls. I mean, are they existing because once they are ‘born‘ they are more ‘programmed‘ then self aware? That once they are ‘big‘ enough to do what their species does, is all because they are hardwired to do it, almost like … I want to say the Borg from ‘Star Trek‘, but that isn’t right, as they are a single creature, they don’t have others from their same species speaking to them inside their little heads. Maybe like a clone, but a clone that repeats the very actions of the original copy… If that makes sense lol.

I know I ask a lot of hard questions – and bring forth a lot to think about and wonder about … I hate that I suffer from Death Anxiety, I wish it would just go away!!! It comes and goes, but when I’m really stuck on it, it feels like it’s my very own undoing. A lot of things I’ve read that talk about the subject, well not ‘things‘, but the comments, some say “If there really is nothing after death, then what is there to fear? Since you will no longer exists why worry about it?” … That’s actually not a bad question or theory – My issue is, I don’t want to accept that. I don’t want to accept that there is nothing after I live this life.

I don’t want to cease to exist!!!!

I want to go on, I don’t care where or how, I just want to go on. I want to believe my consciousness/self awareness leaves my body and goes somewhere. I want to see my loved ones again, I want to know that some day I will be reunited with those I’ve lost while alive. I want to know that once I’ve lived and died, that one day I will once again see my beautiful children.

I’ve done something wonderful as a human woman, I’ve brought life into this world – For 9 months (and 4 times now) I’ve protected a soul inside of me, I carried it inside me – two souls as one – and then I released it out into this waking world. Now, I’m not going to go on about how messed up this world is – and how I wish I could have brought these beautiful babies into a much, much better world … But I am going to go on about how wonderful it is to give the gift of life. To know that when we mate with another human being of the opposite sex, and end up creating a life form inside of us females, I mean, THAT in itself is a miracle, a interesting phenomenon of it’s own. At what point during the stages of creation inside the womb does the spirit/soul enter the human body?

My husband believes what the Bible mentions; The moment of birth, upon the first breath of life, is when the soul enters the body.

I believe it enters sooner than that. Maybe it’s because I have carried so many babies – but to feel a life moving around inside of you, responding to the things you do from outside … Then, for the baby to recognize  the Mother and Fathers voice after they are born – I mean that right there should shed some light as to when the soul may enter the body.

If we have souls. I really would like to think we do …

I just hate the idea that everything is all made up to make us feel better about our impending doom – death. Some people really do believe that’s what religion is all about, to give people who are scared of death some sorta ‘false‘ hope that there is more after this life. I struggle with this for one reason – Then why make it SO hard to get in?! I mean, there are seriously a TON of rules to follow in each religion … It’s not just ‘believe in God and all is well‘ … There are rules and things to go by. So if it is just some sorta story why all the extra bullshit?

I keep meaning to talk to a good friend of my husbands, who is more knowledgeable than myself when it comes to religion. I know he is interested in a lot that I have to say when it comes to the topic of death, the anxiety of it and the ‘what ifs‘ that go along with it. I don’t think he’s ever met someone quit like me – Who sits on the very edge of everything.

By everything, I mean everything.
God, Jesus, Big Bang, Divinity, Spiritual, Souls, Nothingness, Devil, Hell, Heaven … I honestly believe it all, or at least I believe about it … I want to know the line between death and afterlife. I want to know what is out ‘there’ after we die.


I don’t really care ‘what‘ God there is … Whether it’s the Christian God or Buddha or even Allah (which technically is God), or even the thought of ‘Gods’ and ‘Goddesses’, like in Greek Mythology, etc. I just want to know there is something there!

Anyways – I’ve veered way off from my own topic – The study of DMT. I think one day I will muster the courage, try and find some DMT (obviously figure out a safe dosage) and try it … I would like to have my own ‘spiritual awakening‘ and I believe this drug DMT will do just that – or at least maybe help me with my fear of dying.

Most don’t know how bad that fear is … It literally eats you alive! I’ve stayed up all night, many nights in a row, scared, randomly crying, paranoid … utterly depressed. When you fear death, it’s a very, very lonely feeling – You become very aware of the fact that you are alone, there will not be anyone there to walk you through death – You die alone, period. Even if my husband was in the same room as me, and we both stop breathing at the same time and our hearts stop at the very same time – We won’t be together for each others experiences on our journey to the ‘other side‘ if it exists. We’ll go alone, and if there is an afterlife, perhaps meet up there – but until then you are as alone as you were when you came into the world.


See how depressing the whole damn thought is? It only gets worse the more you ponder it and let it sink into your mind, taking over every bit of happiness – Death Anxiety is like a cloak of darkness, that shrouds you, it’s like a darkness that’s utter sadness and it drains you.

This might sound so stupid, but think about the ‘Harry Potter series … The Dementors … That’s what Death Anxiety is in a nut shell. For those who are not familiar with the series (get out more, seriously – everyone should know about Harry Potter! lol) … anyways, if you don’t by some freak accident, not know about Harry Potter and the Dementors, this is a description of a Dementors:

Character from the book’s description; Remus Lupin says this:

Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

Harry Potter Wiki says this about Dementors:

A Dementor is a non-being and Dark creature, considered one of the foulest to inhabit the world. Dementors feed upon human happiness, and thus cause depression and despair to anyone near them. They can also consume a person’s soul, leaving their victims in a permanent vegetative state, and thus are often referred to as “soul-sucking fiends” and are known to leave a person as an ’empty-shell’.

(There is more, but that’s a good example to what I am talking about on this subject – As I am not talking about the Harry Potter series as the main topic lol)

Death Anxiety is basically that … It’s a HORRIBLE feeling(s) to have.

When I look at my most recent baby girl – I want to know that she has a soul, I want to know that some day after I no longer exist in this world, that I will some day be with her again. I want to know that there is some divine power that protects her and everyone, that there is a place we go after we die, be it Heaven, Paradise or another Dimension.

Starting Over …

I’m going to make this quick – But I’ve decided to delete some previous things on here as I didn’t prefer it public.


Anyways – Just want this noted so when or ‘if’ any one stumbles upon my page, they know whats up … There USED to be stuff posted, but no longer there.I think I’ll save this all for Movie and Book reviews 🙂Starting tomorrow … Not now – at 2 in the morning, even though I AM a night owl >.<