Rants & Raves

Month: September, 2014

DMT and Death Anxiety

* Links are under lined in red or highlighted in red.

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So some of you have kept up with my rants as far as something I suffer from – “Death Anxiety” …
I’ve been trying to gather more information on something called ‘DMT‘ or otherwise known as ‘N,N-dimethyltryptamine‘.

Some images and gif. files simulating a DMT ‘experience ‘:

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Everyone contains it, humans, animals, plants … they haven’t found it in insects yet though.

Some people refer to it as the thing that creates dreams, as our brains do release just a tiny bit while we sleep which has been related to our dreams.

Taking DMT, whether injecting it or smoking it pretty much brings on a ‘lucid dream‘ I guess to call it.

Its the most powerful psychedelic drug there is on the planet – A lot of people believe that it’s a ‘gate way‘ to another dimension for us after death has occurred. Or at least something like that anyways.

I’ve had my experiences with psychedelic drugs, granted on a limited scale – and I’ll be honest, DMT would scare the living hell out of me, especially since it’s so uncontrollable – You basically take this drug, and hold on for the ride of a life time… which goes on for only moments, but while you are ‘gone‘, lasts a very, very long course.

What bothers me is, the temptation and curiosity to DMT, would it provide answers? If I got those answers, would I ‘like‘ those answers? Or is it just a spoof that we all share this drug within ourselves?

I think I’m going to probably always be fascinated by DMT, I have been since I first heard about it while reading up on NDE aka Near Death Experiences – As when the body dies, our brain pretty much dumps it’s storage of DMT – So when we die, we go on one hell of a trip … Is that to make the experience of death easier on us? Is it the brains last ditch effort for survival? Is it ‘really‘ what takes us from this plane of existence to another dimension plane?

downloadI’ve only ever seen 2 movies that really mention DMT, one is called “DMT: The Spirit Molecule” which is more or less a documentary based on the works of a psychologist who worked with the drug back in the early 90’s and based on his book, they made the documentary – and I do plan on getting his book as a lot of people recommend it over the film.

 

 

 

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The 2nd movie, which is more a IF (Independent Film), albeit an interesting one … Is called “Enter the Void“, which had been on my list of ‘must see‘ movies for awhile, once I saw it, I wasn’t honestly that impressed, then again I never finished it – Fell asleep lol. Guy takes DMT, goes for a walk from what I recall to do a drug deal at a night club in Japan … Place gets raided, he gets killed – So begins this ‘trip‘, now I’m guessing from when he first took the drug at home to when he got to the club, the DMT he administered himself wore off – Once he was killed, his brain released its ‘own‘ DMT … and of course the rest of the movie is him ‘floating’ around, basically the camera panning around as if it was him and we are seeing through his eyes.

If any thing that movie made me even more worried and scared of death. Which really pisses me off that I fear death – obviously I am VERY attached to the physical, materialistic world. Mainly because I have so much to live for, Dave my husband and ALL of my beautiful children – I don’t ever want to let them go. Here is the ironic part of it all – I’m suicidal … I’ve attempted suicide more times than I can remember, and now suddenly, I absolutely FEAR death.

Not sure what really brought it out either as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve kinda always feared it, mainly when it came to the topic of religion, Heaven and Hell. When I was first introduced to ‘religion‘, mainly it’s ‘rules‘ to be honest, I was about 13 – I was locked up in a shelter for troubled youths and we had these religious people who’d come and visit now and then – I asked them how does one ‘get into Heaven‘ … Simple, you have faith and accept Jesus Christ as you savior … Simple my ass!

First off, ‘faith‘ has always annoyed me – I’m one of those who strives for ‘proof‘, I WANT to have this ‘faith‘, but I’m struggling with the concept of having faith aka imaginary belief in what is another imaginary belief! Or so it basically seems imaginary, I mean, there is no proof … So here I am, making myself have faith, why? Because I’m not sure if I really do have faith or not – So I sum it up as ‘making myself have it‘ … if that makes ANY sense… So then to the next problem … Jesus Christ, you just ‘accept‘ him into you ‘heart‘ and POOF magically you have a free ticket into Heaven … Believe it or not, I actually said those very words to these religious people who came to that shelter … Granted, they say it’s ‘more‘ than that – but how?

Cut and dry, that’s basically it. I feel horrible for thinking it, even worse for sharing it, but that IS what it is. I was raised Catholic, so I’m not sitting here trying to disprove religion or make others raise a stink about my words, I just think it’s a bit off – Have faith, and accept a person and that’s how you have ever lasting life after life?! (lol)

I want to take all religion and try to mix a bit of science into it – Cliche, and not to mention a big no no … As the two don’t go together, typically. You either believe in God and his creating everything or you believe in the Big Bang Theory and the events that followed. You can’t have both – or so it would seem.

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I believe that the universe did start by the ‘Big Bang‘, but I also believe that life was brought on by some sorta ‘divine‘ intervention – My husband helped me with this as it seems the most logical, to me any ways. Not sure what that’s even called >.>

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I don’t want to ‘believe‘ in something if it may not be true – Have ‘faith‘ in something if its really not there in the end … I don’t want to spend the rest of my entire life wasting my faith in something that might not be REAL. I hate that we can not remember before a certain moment in our life – We can’t remember life before, well ‘life‘. We don’t remember being carried in the womb by our mothers, we don’t remember before the womb – We don’t recall infancy …

Twins in the Womb {3014}

The drug DMT I feel holds ‘some‘ of the answers – Not all, I want to indulge more on it because it’s a start. I want to see if I can find some information on people take DMT and have MRI’s or CAT scans. If they really are having ‘out of this world‘ trips, where and what is their brain DOING?!

Funny, I worry about wasting my time believing in faith and God – But have no problems spending the rest of my life seeking answers through DMT and it’s effects. Go figure a drug.

I find it very curious that all plants and animals have it, as do we humans – What connection is there? No one’s figured out why there is this chemical, that is shared – We’ve all evolved with it, it’s followed us from the very beginning of it all. I’m also kinda curious as to why insects don’t have DMT. Maybe it’s due to their size – I’ve often wondered if insects themselves have souls, it would kinda be weird if they did, just imagine how crowded Heaven would be? Given we kill insects on a daily basis … and there are a lot of insects that die each day. I also can’t understand why they would not have souls. I mean, are they existing because once they are ‘born‘ they are more ‘programmed‘ then self aware? That once they are ‘big‘ enough to do what their species does, is all because they are hardwired to do it, almost like … I want to say the Borg from ‘Star Trek‘, but that isn’t right, as they are a single creature, they don’t have others from their same species speaking to them inside their little heads. Maybe like a clone, but a clone that repeats the very actions of the original copy… If that makes sense lol.

I know I ask a lot of hard questions – and bring forth a lot to think about and wonder about … I hate that I suffer from Death Anxiety, I wish it would just go away!!! It comes and goes, but when I’m really stuck on it, it feels like it’s my very own undoing. A lot of things I’ve read that talk about the subject, well not ‘things‘, but the comments, some say “If there really is nothing after death, then what is there to fear? Since you will no longer exists why worry about it?” … That’s actually not a bad question or theory – My issue is, I don’t want to accept that. I don’t want to accept that there is nothing after I live this life.

I don’t want to cease to exist!!!!

I want to go on, I don’t care where or how, I just want to go on. I want to believe my consciousness/self awareness leaves my body and goes somewhere. I want to see my loved ones again, I want to know that some day I will be reunited with those I’ve lost while alive. I want to know that once I’ve lived and died, that one day I will once again see my beautiful children.

I’ve done something wonderful as a human woman, I’ve brought life into this world – For 9 months (and 4 times now) I’ve protected a soul inside of me, I carried it inside me – two souls as one – and then I released it out into this waking world. Now, I’m not going to go on about how messed up this world is – and how I wish I could have brought these beautiful babies into a much, much better world … But I am going to go on about how wonderful it is to give the gift of life. To know that when we mate with another human being of the opposite sex, and end up creating a life form inside of us females, I mean, THAT in itself is a miracle, a interesting phenomenon of it’s own. At what point during the stages of creation inside the womb does the spirit/soul enter the human body?

My husband believes what the Bible mentions; The moment of birth, upon the first breath of life, is when the soul enters the body.

I believe it enters sooner than that. Maybe it’s because I have carried so many babies – but to feel a life moving around inside of you, responding to the things you do from outside … Then, for the baby to recognize  the Mother and Fathers voice after they are born – I mean that right there should shed some light as to when the soul may enter the body.

If we have souls. I really would like to think we do …

I just hate the idea that everything is all made up to make us feel better about our impending doom – death. Some people really do believe that’s what religion is all about, to give people who are scared of death some sorta ‘false‘ hope that there is more after this life. I struggle with this for one reason – Then why make it SO hard to get in?! I mean, there are seriously a TON of rules to follow in each religion … It’s not just ‘believe in God and all is well‘ … There are rules and things to go by. So if it is just some sorta story why all the extra bullshit?

I keep meaning to talk to a good friend of my husbands, who is more knowledgeable than myself when it comes to religion. I know he is interested in a lot that I have to say when it comes to the topic of death, the anxiety of it and the ‘what ifs‘ that go along with it. I don’t think he’s ever met someone quit like me – Who sits on the very edge of everything.

By everything, I mean everything.
God, Jesus, Big Bang, Divinity, Spiritual, Souls, Nothingness, Devil, Hell, Heaven … I honestly believe it all, or at least I believe about it … I want to know the line between death and afterlife. I want to know what is out ‘there’ after we die.

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I don’t really care ‘what‘ God there is … Whether it’s the Christian God or Buddha or even Allah (which technically is God), or even the thought of ‘Gods’ and ‘Goddesses’, like in Greek Mythology, etc. I just want to know there is something there!

Anyways – I’ve veered way off from my own topic – The study of DMT. I think one day I will muster the courage, try and find some DMT (obviously figure out a safe dosage) and try it … I would like to have my own ‘spiritual awakening‘ and I believe this drug DMT will do just that – or at least maybe help me with my fear of dying.

Most don’t know how bad that fear is … It literally eats you alive! I’ve stayed up all night, many nights in a row, scared, randomly crying, paranoid … utterly depressed. When you fear death, it’s a very, very lonely feeling – You become very aware of the fact that you are alone, there will not be anyone there to walk you through death – You die alone, period. Even if my husband was in the same room as me, and we both stop breathing at the same time and our hearts stop at the very same time – We won’t be together for each others experiences on our journey to the ‘other side‘ if it exists. We’ll go alone, and if there is an afterlife, perhaps meet up there – but until then you are as alone as you were when you came into the world.

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See how depressing the whole damn thought is? It only gets worse the more you ponder it and let it sink into your mind, taking over every bit of happiness – Death Anxiety is like a cloak of darkness, that shrouds you, it’s like a darkness that’s utter sadness and it drains you.

This might sound so stupid, but think about the ‘Harry Potter series … The Dementors … That’s what Death Anxiety is in a nut shell. For those who are not familiar with the series (get out more, seriously – everyone should know about Harry Potter! lol) … anyways, if you don’t by some freak accident, not know about Harry Potter and the Dementors, this is a description of a Dementors:

Character from the book’s description; Remus Lupin says this:

Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

Harry Potter Wiki says this about Dementors:

A Dementor is a non-being and Dark creature, considered one of the foulest to inhabit the world. Dementors feed upon human happiness, and thus cause depression and despair to anyone near them. They can also consume a person’s soul, leaving their victims in a permanent vegetative state, and thus are often referred to as “soul-sucking fiends” and are known to leave a person as an ’empty-shell’.

(There is more, but that’s a good example to what I am talking about on this subject – As I am not talking about the Harry Potter series as the main topic lol)

Death Anxiety is basically that … It’s a HORRIBLE feeling(s) to have.

When I look at my most recent baby girl – I want to know that she has a soul, I want to know that some day after I no longer exist in this world, that I will some day be with her again. I want to know that there is some divine power that protects her and everyone, that there is a place we go after we die, be it Heaven, Paradise or another Dimension.

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Starting Over …

I’m going to make this quick – But I’ve decided to delete some previous things on here as I didn’t prefer it public.

 

Anyways – Just want this noted so when or ‘if’ any one stumbles upon my page, they know whats up … There USED to be stuff posted, but no longer there.I think I’ll save this all for Movie and Book reviews 🙂Starting tomorrow … Not now – at 2 in the morning, even though I AM a night owl >.<